I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
