last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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