i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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