I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
