You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
