I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
