dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
