This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
