If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
