This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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