I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
