You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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