Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
