and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
