but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
