I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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