It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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