I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
