Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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