Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
