Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
