you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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