Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
