my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
