I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
