Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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