You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
