just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
