Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
