her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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