So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
