Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
