Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
