I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
