U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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