I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
