theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
