scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
