Who wears a wallet chain?!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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