my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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