And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
