We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
