Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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