Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
