Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
