just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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