Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
