Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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