i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
