omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
